O Come All Ye Filthfull (The Car Cleaner)

Has this ever happened to you? You're standing on the subway platform, waiting for your train. It's rush hour, so long before you see the reflective glow of an approaching train's lights on the rails or feel the rush of foul smelling wind on your face, prospective riders are already jockeying for position. You catch an elbow from an oblivious Hassid, maybe take a stroller hit to the shins from a Puerto Rican mother with more tummy rolls than the Michelen Man - and in a tighter fitting shirt. Still the train is no where in sight. But then you see a little bit of light down the tunnel, see a candy bar wrapper down on the tracks start to flutter in the breeze, and soon enough, the train rounds the corner. And sure enough, folks are crammed in there tighter than a piece of beef jerky packaging . Then the impossible happens: You find yourself standing in front the doors of a car that is almost completely empty. "How can this be?" you ask yourself. "Am I really this fortunate?" The doors open, you step inside, elated, and immediately realize that you've made a horrible mistake. The car reeks of a scent that defies all putrid description. It stings the nostrils, blurs the vision. It's as if someone has sprayed an entire can of vomit scented Febreze right into your beak. You turn and try to escape, but every idiot on the platform behind you has seen the same mistaken opportunity and piled in behind you, and suddenly you realize there is no way out. The doors close and you're trapped in a shit smelling nightmare that Freddy Kruger wouldn't even crash. Though your eyes are now pouring tears, you see through the slits what you think is a pile of soiled rags. But then you see a foot - or what may once have been a foot, but now is black and club like and covered in open sores. And you suddenly realize that the pile of rags is a giant beached-whale-like bum, who is lying across an entire subway bench. Meet the Car Clearer.

The Car Clearer does just that: clears all riders off his subway car. Now I understand that the Car Clearer is homeless, and I don't want to come off as insensitive, but couldn't this guy find a less confined place to shit himself in? I can think of half of dozen spots with better ventilation in the subway system alone. Unlike other bums, the Car Clearer has no intentions of begging you for loose change or even quietly ranting to itself. The Car Clearer has but one objective: to lay and wallow in its own filth. Should you encounter a Car Clearer on the subway system it is in this blogger's opinion that you should hold your breath for as long as possible and sprint for the nearest exit.